A resolve to change
by umemei
Summary: Toshinori Yagi's death had been devastating for everyone. It had struck newly found resolves in both Bakugou Katsuki and Midoriya Izuku. Having lost their mutual aspirations and source of inspiration, the distance between them only grows wider and wider. And then, he disappeared. 'I don't want to be a hero anymore.' (Villain-ish Izuku fic)


Toshinori Yagi.

All Might. The sign of peace.

Dead.

The rain was heavy. It showered upon the stone slab with gentle pitter patters, each drop spreading to resonate in every person's ears. The final outbreak of wails was absolute chaos. The shatter of silence. The shattering of a familiar world.

The destruction of the world All Might had fought so hard to maintain.

 _What was peace now? What was heroism now?_

Midoriya Izuku let the rain wash down the bridge of his nose, eyes wide open as he raised his head to look at the greying sky. His eyes were dull. His mind was blank. His heart was hollow.

All of his dreams, his aspirations, his greatest goals, they were all gone. Gone.

Dead. Like the death of Toshinori Yagi.

What was _justice_ now?

Had the world done All Might justice? What had All Might really _fought_ for?

 _An empty world._

 _A rotten, unfair, useless justice._

Toshinori Yagi was not a legend to remember. His death only marked the end of justice.

The end of peace.

The end.

* * *

Izuku left the funeral early. He could not take the grim atmosphere any longer. The sobbing, the weeping, the desperation.

He hated it. He hated them all.

They _relied_ on All Might. They relied on the _Illusion of heroism_ to save them all. They let the _Heroes_ do their justice.

Pathetic.

He hated the despair that had washed over all of them when the news came. When the greatest hero had died. Himself included.

He hated himself.

He had not cried at the funeral. He felt nothing. No sorrow, no desperation. Nothing. Just a feeling of loss, but without the grief that would always accompany it.

What really was slowly filling up the hollowness?

It was **Anger**.

He had bumped into Bakugou as he left. Their eyes met, for just a fraction of a second. The boy's crimson eyes were empty. Hollow looking, just like his own feelings. In their gazes they conveyed a feeling of mutual understanding. A mutual self inflicted turmoil.

They were the same.

Bakugou Katsuki and Midoriya Izuku had walked down the same path, with the same aspirations, with the same determination. They had known each other from the start, and had pursued the same man, to follow his footsteps. _His_ footsteps.

What _should've been_ All Might's foosteps.

They had both lost it all.

They were the same.

As Izuku left the funeral, without a single word exchanged between them, he wondered very faintly, what Bakugou would do after this.

Very faintly.

 _Were they the same?_

* * *

He was growing distant.

He had left the UA dormitories, and returned to his home with Inko. He never left the house, and even Todoroki and Iida scarcely saw him. And when they did, they were greeted with blankness.

A walking corpse. Unresponsive. Superficial. A mask.

Izuku had isolated himself in his room, depressed, secluded and confused. He never left, he spoke to no one, he ignored Inko, and ignored the food Inko would bring him every day, for every meal.

He would always just sit there, by his bedside, doing nothing, just staring blankly at the rain dripping down his window pane.

He would sit, and think.

He would try to sort out his confusion, and mend his torn feelings.

He would sometimes cry, and weep even more when he tried to remember why he was crying.

 _Do you need a reason to feel sad?_

He had never thought about this before. Now, he would ponder upon it for hours, and cry even more afterwards.

He would sometimes hear his mother crying too, outside his door. He could often hear her mumbling things, and he would often listen to her too, and speak back to her, in a cheerful, fake voice.

But he could never _understand_ what Inko was saying. She spoke of many things, and when she laughed, Izuku would feel his heart get wrenched out of his chest. He couldn't understand whatever Inko said to him, but could feel her warm intentions, and her aching feelings.

It hurt.

He decided to forget about it. It hurt even more to think about it anyways.

He stopped listening to Inko. He stopped talking to her.

But Inko always came. Everyday. She would speak to his bedroom door. Izuku had no idea why she was doing it. It wasn't as if the door would reply.

It wasn't as if the door would open by itself.

* * *

Kaminari, Sero and Kirishima were worried about Bakugou. They had kept a wary eye out for him ever since All Might's funeral. They were well aware that Bakugou was not quite himself, and had spiralled into a state of confusion. He often ignored them, blanking out all their attempts to converse with him, and retaliating aggressively and violently when they tried to shake him out of his thoughts.

Kaminaro and Sero had given up trying to talk to Bakugou. They watched him distance himself from everyone with apprehensiveness mingled with heartwrenching feelings. But they said nothing more.

They knew, very well enough, that Bakugou was perhaps the strongest person they have ever met in their lives. And they hoped, very pathetically, that Bakugou would be strong enough to overcome his inner turmoils by himself.

Kirishima thought very differently. He hung out with Bakugou, tried to cheer him up, called him everyday, doing everything he could to prevent Bakugou from isolating himself. It was not well received, and Kirishima knew that Bakugou was sick of him, sick of him doing the same thing every day, sick of him saying the same things each time.

Still, Bakugou always picked up his calls, no matter what.

Yet still, Kirishima could never get him to open up about his feelings. It was like he was lacking the key to click open the lock. The door was closed firm against him.

He was helpless.

* * *

Iida had shed tears when Izuku finally found him as he left the UA dormitories. It had struck him as a moment of surprise, and perhaps even just a bit suspicious, but he was overcome by the feelings of relief and affection, and overlooked Izuku's empty laugh without a second thought.

"I was worried." Iida was blubbering, as Izuku patted his back gently. "I was really worried.."

Izuku smiled.

"I know."

They had a moment of reconciliation, yet Iida could not quite grasp the melancholy he could hear in Izuku's voice as he spoke. The tone was so gentle, but it was violently churning Iida's insides with unease.

When Izuku finally left, he had turned around with that similar melancholy, and had smiled with dry grief, waving with a fading sense of warmth.

"Thank you." He said.

When Iida had finally come to his senses, and reached out to grab Izuku's hand, he was already gone.

* * *

Ochako had not spoken to Deku for weeks. Ever since the day All Might died.

She tried to find him, only to discover he had left the dormitories, and was not about to come back. She tried to build up all her courage and seek him at his house, but could never quite understand what was pulling herself back. She would call Izuku's cellphone everyday, but he never answered. He never called back either.

She was pathetic. She had no idea what to say to Izuku at his face, yet she worried about him, and wanted desperately to speak to him again. A hypocrite? She agreed inwardly.

So she had found herself subconsciously heading towards the Midoriya house absent mindedly tthat day, pressing the doorbell gently, and waiting patiently for a familiar pair of green eyes to greet her.

It never came.

Instead, she was welcomed by Inko, who offered her a bright smile, and beckoned her to come in.

"Where's Deku?" Ochako had not moved. She could not help but notice the redness around Inko's eyes, as her eyes averted at the mention of the subject.

"He left for a small walk. I was really glad. He hasn't left his room for weeks." Inko laughed softly. Ochako clenched her fists. "He isn't eating properly either... I'm really not sure what I should do..."

Inko's voice was wobbling. Ochako's breath was constricted, a lump stuck at her throat. Her hands were trembling, as she contemplated Inko's downing tears with dread and fear.

"I-I'm not sure what I-I should do! W-What can I do? What can I possibly do for him?" Inko had broken down sobs. Ochako was suddenly reminded of her own helplessness.

"I-I've done everything! But I can't! I can't" Midoriya's mother had fallen into the snow sodden ground. "I'm not him! I'm not All Might! I can't do anything!"

A gasp had escaped Ochako's throat, as her hands clenched at her chest with growing guilt and unease. She longed to comfort the broken woman before her, but knew she could do nothing ffor her.

She hated this helplessness.

And she could not explain the unease that had filled her stomach ever since her arrival.

Realisation had dawned upon her late. She dropped her bag abruptly. She excused herself immediately.

And she ran.

* * *

Todoroki was puzzled. Pleasantly puzzled. He welcomed Izuku's abrupt arrival with a warm smile, and uncharacteristically offered him a comfortable hug. He was genuinely glad to see Izuku again, but was also wary of him.

Something felt... off..

Izuku's facade seemed awfully forced, and fake. He wasn't alright. Todoroki was sure he was still vulnerable.

What was he hiding?

Midoriya had started spouting out nonsense, about things of the past, about the memories they had shared a few months ago, about Iida. He deliberately avoided mentioning All Might. Todoroki observed his facial expressions with skepticism.

He still could not quite grasp the situation.

Midoriya would not meet his eyes. He noted this carefully, and the unease overwhelmed him with frightening force.

"What's wrong, Midoriya?"

"Nothing."

"... I-"

"I was just thinking, you know," Midoriya had drawn his eyes up slowly, with a gentle smile. "That I am very fortunate to have known you."

"What's wrong-"

"It's reassuring to know that there are still people like you in this..." his voice faltered.

"Midoriya-"

"Thank you, Todoroki." Midoriya's smile only widened. His eyes were twinkling. "Thank you and Iida for being my friend."

With that, he turned away with a sense of nostalgia and throat constricting sorrow. It took Todoroki seconds to process his words properly, before raising his voice in warning, crying out for Izuku to wait. He wasn't sure what was making him hesitate so much, but the unease was overwhelming.

Midoriya didn't turn back.

Todoroki felt the regret building up inside him, as he watched the small back fade away from sight, blending into the snow.

* * *

"Kacchan."

"Deku." Their eyes met. Katsuki had taken note of the weariness in Deku's voice.

He was _tired._

Inwardly, Bakugou was relieved he was not the only one. They were the same, after all.

Having spiralled into a state of vulnerability and depression after the collapse of the sign of peace. They were the same.

They should've been the same.

"You've left the dorms."

"I have."

"You're escaping."

Izuku looked up, startled. He was shaken by Bakugou's statement, a shadow of meaning flashing across his face.

"No."

"Pathetic." Bakugou spat viciously. The snow only fell heavier. A load had been placed onto Izuku's shoulders. The burden of recognising the truth.

"..Aren't you the same, Kacchan?"

"We're different." Katsuki had spoken with decisiveness, without hesitation. "You and I, we're different people."

Izuku's fists clenched. He could feel the tears building up in his own eyes.

It was like always. He just couldn't handle Kacchan. He would always weaken in front of him. All the courage, and determination for change he had built up over the course of the last few isolated weeks, it was crumbling just by Kacchan's few words.

He wanted to say he hated Kacchan too.

But he didn't. He couldn't

He smiled faintly at Katsuki, breath stuck in his throat.

"I know."

"You don't. Fucking nerd."

"Why aren't you shouting at me?" Izuku's voice had slipped, cracked into an exasperated pitch. The tears threatened to fall as he heard Kacchan's weary sigh.

"I'm tired, Deku."

Izuku couldn't take the pressure in his chest anymore. He laughed, clearly, yet shakily. His eyes were blurred with bottled emotions, the tears streaming strangely down his cheeks. He was dizzy. His resolve had crumbled. But his confusion had broken him now.

"Thank you, Kacchan."

For once, Katsuki looked visibly shaken.

"What the hell. For what?"

"...Thank you. And I'm sorry." Deku had swung around rapidly, and started striding away from Bakugou.

"I'll... See you later."

The crimson eyes widened. Anger flooded into Katsuki's temples. And he strode after him.

"Wait."

The boy ignored his call.

"Wait!" Bakugou roared, quickening his pace into a run. Midoriya, in response, had activated his quirk, and had sped away rapidly. Katsuki wasn't about to let him leave, and went after him almost immediately.

He was escaping. Again.

"You fucking nerd!"

He chased after Izuku's fading figure, eyes fixed straight ahead, jaw clenched in anger.

This was the first time.

The first time he had ever chased after the fucking nerd's back. He fucking hated it.

* * *

Ochako had found herself sprawled onto the ground as she slipped on the snowy road. She clambered to her feet hastily, still unable to tame the unease in her chest. She raised her head clumsily, only to blink at an outstretched hand that was hovering over her face.

A scarred hand.

"Deku?" She could hardly recognise her voice when she spoke.

"Are you ok, Uraraka?" She absorbed his gentle smile. That gentle smile that she knew too well. Tears had begun to form at the corners of her eyes.

"Deku, I-"

"Can we sit down somewhere?" Uraraka blinked. She could sense the unfamiliarity of Deku's speech. Something was wrong.

"Of course." The guilt that had crawled into her throat was overwhelming.

* * *

"I don't want to be a hero anymore."

Uraraka's eyes widened. Tears had welled up in her eyes almost instantly.

"What?" She breathed.

"I don't want to be a hero anymore." Deku refused to meet her eyes.

The tears fell.

She began to gasp and wheeze. She could not stop the tears from forming. She could not steady her breath. A sadness had completely crushed her chest. She could not bear look at the broken boy standing before her. It tore her to see her source of inspiration fall apart.

"N-no!" She managed to cry out. "No!"

Her eyes looked searchingly upwards in hope to meet Deku's reassuring ones. She found none. Only a dull, dead gaze, lacking of passion, only sorrow.

"Uraraka..." He moved towards her in an attempt to brush away her tears. She slapped his hand away.

"Stop it!" She wheezed. "Stop it!' She backed away, furiously rubbing away the tears, desperately trying to keep her voice steady.

"Take it back."

Izuku blinked.

"What?"

"Take what you've just said back!" She shouted.

Izuku remained motionless, a few meters away from the bawling girl. His hands were outstretched, only to be pushed away by Uraraka's furious arms.

She couldn't find them. She couldn't find the compassion in Izuku's eyes. She couldn't find the determination she had grown to admire so much.

Midoriya Izuku was dead.

He had been dead ever since the death of All Might.

"Why? Why won't you take it back? Why won't you just-"

"Uraraka.."

"What happened to the Deku who could always do it? What happened to the Deku who would never give up no matter what?" The tears were overflowing. "What happened to the Deku I know?'

Izuku's fists clenched. He was finding it harder and harder to breathe.

"He's gone now." He spoke quietly.

Uraraka no longer felt her legs. Her body was numb. Her ears were ringing.

 _He's gone now._

 _Midoriya Izuku is dead._

"Why?" She slammed her hands onto her knees, unable to contain her bubbling despair. "Why?" She gasped, hands clawing at her chest.

"Why did it turn out like this?" She whispered.

Izuku felt his heart get torn into a million pieces.

The world had collapsed.

The glass had shattered.

The thin line between control and despair had been crossed.

 _Why did it turn out like this?_

Izuku took a step back. A wave of realisation had washed over him with frightening force. He tried desperately to steady his shaking voice, but was failing miserably.

"I don't know anymore.." He breathed.

He leant forwards to touch Uraraka's shoulder. She grabbed his hand suddenly, pulling him into an embrace. He had stiffened at her touch, and pulled away almost immediately.

Ochako had brought up her eyes with shock and hurt.

Izuku only looked to the floor.

"I'm sorry, Uraraka."

He was about to turn away, but was caught by Uraraka's outstretched hand.

"Don't go, Deku.." She was sobbing again.

He smiled another fake smile.

"I'm not going anywhere, Uraraka." He patted her head clumsily.

"No!" Ochako felt the fabric of his shirt leave her own fingers, as he moved away. She could slowly feel Izuku slipping away from her, and bolted after him without hesitation.

She tripped against the snowy ground, but ignored the pain building up on her knees, clambering back to her feet hastily. Deku's figure only seemed to fade more and more, and she could not keep up with him. She had fallen once more, only to cry out another desperate attempt to halt his footsteps again.

"Don't go!" She screamed. "I need you! I'm here for you, no matter what!"

She had frozen stiff, as Izuku turned to offer her the warmest smile.

"Thank you."

She had fallen into a pit of desperation. She understood his word of farewell, and was so shaken that she struggled to stand steadily. She began to run again, but only tripped once more, falling onto her knees. She could scarcely move, but could only crawl after the shadow before her. She tore herself across the thickening snow, before slipping to the ground, paralyzed.

"Stupid Deku!"

"YOU FUCKING NERD!" She felt a hand push her shoulder roughly, as a gust of warmth blasted past her, the sudden flash of light blinding.

Bakugou had sped past her in a hurry, chasing after Deku again, releasing blasts with his quirk to propell himself further forwards. Izuku had also sped up. The lingering warmth on her shoulder was strangely comforting.

As if Bakugou were telling her to back off, that he would handle this.

She collapsed to the ground helplessly.

* * *

"FUCKING GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, YOU COWARD!" Bakugou roared. "FUCKING GET BACK HERE!"

He had almost caught up to the boy a few metres ahead of him, who turned around with another one of his stupid, disgustingly fake smiles.

"Stop it, Kacchan. I've decided already.."

The anger in Katsuki only bubbled even stronger. He released a furious blast from his palms.

"You have fucking no right to decide!" He was shouting his heart out, all his vented emotions released in his rage.

"You''re just a fucking nerd, you have no fucking right!"

The wretched boy only laughed. His voice was hollow, expression contorted with pain.

And fear.

He opened his mouth with hesitation, before curling his lips into a soft smile.

"Goodbye, Kacchan."

"DON'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE!"

Bakugou had stretched out an arm to grab Deku forcefully, and pull him back, lunging forwards with an angry propulsion.

He caught nothing.

Nothing.

He had stopped, frozen at his spot, contemplating his empty palms.

Midoriya Izuku had disappeared, out of the blue, within a second.

He was gone.

Bakugou had fallen to the ground, at a loss of words. He slammed the icy ground with his fists, punching his knees in frustration, shouting and panting in lost rage.

He flung a fistful of snow to the air, he blasted the floor with all his strength, and felt the gathering warmth form at the bottom of his eyes.

"Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!"

* * *

Toshinori Yagi's death had meant many things to many people.

For some, it had meant the end of the peaceful era. For others, it was moment to be remembered with respect. For most, it was an occasion to mourn.

For both Bakugou Katsuki and Midoriya Izuku, it had meant change.

Change was definitely needed in this twisted place.

* * *

Thank you for reading. It was a long chapter, but I hope you liked the story for now, and please leave a review!


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